motivation

She’d been a quiet women my entire life but recently my mother voices every statement like she’s trying to drown out a jet engine.

I need to get out of this house

breathing life back into me

I feel like I’ve been in a como for the past few weeks. I hate the feeling of just going through the motions, I want to emotionally invested in what happens to me, which is exhausting but as far as I’m concerned, why wander around this earth if you’re not willing to experience it, ups and downs.
Maybe I’m embracing this come what may attitude because it’s the only way I’ll survive this stupid post-grad lull. I’m not good at doing nothing, I need a project to organize or a team to manage. I already miss Mock Trial so much I could scream.

So, I’m bouncing back and forth between ambitious, ready to take over the world and lethargic. I really prefer Wonder Woman to Marion Hawthorne (the woman from Harriet the Spy who doesn’t get out of bed). Today I’ve decided to try blasting the malaise out with Paul Simon. Wish me luck.

holiday in bed

It’s the Fourth of July and I’m sitting in bed watching Ladder 49. This is because I woke up with a 101 fever. It takes a special kind of person to get a fever in July. I’ve never felt chilled when it’s 80 degrees outside.
Working for Dad again tomorrow as long as I can beat this cold. Trying to feel better about not having a job yet. I just need something to feel successful about. I have no job, the smallest semblance of a social life and a totally screwed up relationship situation. Oy.

Stop Making Sense

“All the Wrong Reasons” is basically my theme song now. It came up on the ipod when I was in the car this morning and it just hit me, you know, the way a song can make you realize that the lyrics fit exactly how you feel.
Almost everything I’m feeling lately is completely illogical but I can’t stop it. I try talking myself out of it, I try distracting myself. See, I’m in love with the exact wrong person. I need to find a job and straighten out my head. At least having a job would give me a distraction.
So, here’s what I’ve decided to do. I told myself that if or more likely when I get hurt I have no one to blame but myself. And isn’t this what life’s about? Having these messes makes you realize you’re alive, capable of feeling extraordinary things. That’s what helps me feel better anyway.

Let’s Go Red Wings!

watching the Wings game, it’s tough to be a Wings fan because they’re solid year after year so you can’t feel too bad when they’re not incredible over and over. it’s also really hard to watch these games when dad is in the corner screaming about offsides…
the job search had a few blips of hope but so far just crickets…lame. i’ll start up again full speed next week.
today was one of those fantastic summer days, sunny all day, warm not hot. i laid in my room with the windows open, listening to tom petty and wanting to roadtrip…i think i have genetic wanderlust. my parents are nomads so i can’t help but have nomadic tendencies.

packing

So, when you add a bike to your packing list, suddenly you can’t fit as much as you thought you’d be able to. who knew? so, nearly all of my kitchen stuff will be staying here which is fine because it would just be sitting in the garage at home. the bike had to make it home though because i’ve really started to enjoy biking and i’ve been thinking about biking Lotawana for a month or so now. You better believe that Saturday morning before my interview I’ll be going for a bike ride!

the interim class has only 2 days left. so, 6 more hours of class and the online final and i’ll be done! it’s been a more interesting class than i thought it would be, much less painful than anticipated. i mean, when the professor starts out the class with “we’ll be doing a lot of activities” one has the right to worry.

you’ll also be thrilled to know that i’ve started yet another short story. this one is unique though in that i might catch up to the plot line, i’m writing about my life through mock trial and the relationships that developed because of mock trial. it’s something i’m thinking about a lot lately so i can’t really help that that’s the subject matter.

heading back to the city couldn’t come too soon. i think any longer in this quiet little hamlet would actually make me lose my mind.

It’s already nearly Memorial Day?

To me Memorial Day always means it’s officially summer. The weather here is certainly backing up that assumption. You know what though? Since it’s the first time it’s been so hot out I actually enjoyed it. It’s like being initiated into summer; my hair sticking to the back of my neck, sweat just barely forming on my forehead, feeling the relief of shade.
On a completely different note, I’m watching West Side Story on TV and have decided to make it a goal to collect all of Maria’s wardrobe from the movie. Of course to look as waif-like as she does I probably shouldn’t ever eat again, lol. The way they use bold chucks of color against otherwise grey and brown sets gives this movie a very Dick Tracy feel or I suppose it’s the other way around.

The job search continues. Sometimes I find a job that I think I’d enjoy and get excited about things for a while but generally this whole process just makes me nervous. Wait and see, wait and see.

post graduate

i graduated. forgive my lack of excitement or life-altering clarity but it hasn’t really hit me yet. i think it will probably seem real once i’ve gotten a real job and august comes and goes without new classes, textbooks and a return to kirksville.

i’m going to miss that place so much. i’m going to miss how pretty campus is in the fall and being able to walk almost everywhere. i’m going to miss my time at trinidad martinez more than i ever expected. i made some of the best friends i’ve ever had. 

i go back to the ‘ville for a couple of weeks on thursday. it will be nice to be able to take my time leaving.

i think this summer is going to be one of those summers that goes down in history. bring on the big kid jobs, the traveling, and the boys of summer.

serendipity vs. stability: the sanity trials

Until very recently I was the kind of girl who loved having life planned out as far as I could see. I knew where I wanted to live, how many kids I wanted, what their names might be, what type of dog I’d have…and boyfriend agreed with those things, it seemed perfect.
Only now the idea of having so many specific goals seems so dull. Suppose I now fancy Los Angeles over Chicago. Boyfriend loves seasons and can’t imagine living somewhere without a “real” winter.
This is just one of the many little and a few huge things that have made me think about making some major changes lately…i.e. possibly becoming single again for the first time since I was 18. It freaks me out to be attached at such a turbulent time in my life. I don’t want to make decisions for anyone but myself. That may sound selfish but I’m 21, I don’t feel like I’m ready to settle and compromise just yet.

Of course though, as this isn’t a Disney movie, the plot thickens. Another catalyst to the whole maybe-not-this-boyfriend train of thought happens to be the boyfriend’s roommate…yikes. The social connections are worse still but I won’t get into those. Long story short: We hooked up freshman year in college, he was incredible but I convinced myself he was too similar to the recent ex-boyfriend and freaked…I see now that I didn’t give him enough of a chance to even show his true colors. Ergo, my heart jumps when I hear his voice and sinks when he parades in with his adorable girlfriend…

Alright, there it is, now if only I could figure out what’s best for me…

what if…

From time to time I can’t help but wonder about how things would be if I’d have made different decisions: what if I’d gone to a different college? what if I wasn’t with the same guy all through school? that’s the one that really gets to me because more and more of my friends are getting married and I can’t help but second guess the whole “’til death do us part” thing. I guess it’s because there have been a couple memorable blips on the radar over the last couple years…

I’ve been like this before though and I always come back to the conclusion that I’m good with where I’m at and can’t really imagine a better fit.

it’s a phase I guess…

my final semester starts in a few days, holy cow.